Mary’s Blog
Ok, so take a step back in time with me. Let’s go back to Thursday night.
Picture this: extremely exhausted hubby and I’m tired as well. We go to bed about 9pm (Because we get up @ 4:30). Anyways, all was fine. It was dark, the bed was comfy, the fan was providing white noise and I had my heating pad.
So the hubs was spooning with me and we started to drift off to lala land. Well then he rolled over to his other side because it was uncomfortable in the position he was laying. WELLLLL I decided to roll over and cuddle with him and this is where everything went terribly wrong.
My hand happened to brush up against his nip and it was hard, because he was cold and this is the start of my giggles.
I poked it. I flicked it. I pushed it in. I squeezed it. The hubs had had enough. (Actually I’m amazed it went on so long, but he was that tired). He pulled the blankets up, tucked himself in real tight and he said “I’m not a piece of meat. Go to bed.”
I stopped for about a second. THEN I was like a Meerkat! I start burrowing in the blankets trying to reach “my precious”, which just so happened to be the hubs nip.
He put up a good defense and sadly I was unable to reach it. Well I rolled over and started laughing even harder. The hubs quickly told me to stop and go to sleep. So I started quietly laughing. Besides the hubs I think only my best friend Amazon has seen this. When I quietly laugh I start shaking. Needless to say I had the whole king bed rocking; this of course was felt by the hubs. With his big sigh the flood gates opened. I was laughing and crying all because of his damn cold nip. The laughs were loud, they were deep, they were high and they sounded like a crazed woman AND I COULDN’T STOP no matter how hard I tried.
Finally after trying to smother myself with a pillow (which is hard to do) the laughs started to die down. Then the hubs asked if I was going to do this all night? I looked at the clock and I have been laughing for 34 minutes. My face hurt, my tummy hurt and I was tired.
After a few more laughs I looked at the clock again. It read 10:09 and that’s all I remember until the alarm woke me up. However, I still had the stomach pains from laughing so hard.
Hubs and I
I need the sun. I need the heat. Also….. I need a vacation.
After work on Thursday I went to Palm Beach Tan in Fort Union with my friend “Ute’s Girl”. We heard the ads on the radio and decided to go.
When we 1st walked in, it was a lot to take in. All the girls looked like personal trainers. Very fit, pretty, tan and full of enthusiasm. With me already having a headache, right from the get go this was just too much.
So with my fake smile and hopes to get into a bed soon, we did the tour of the joint. She started off showing us the “Bentley” of tan beds. This thing had all the bells and whistles that you would want, plus some. After our causal chit-chat and tour, then came the sales pitch. With my “Shields up Scotty” and using all my strength not to eye roll, I stood next to Ute’s Girl and listened.
Now I’m not a huge tanner. I had stated this within 1 minute of our tour. Now Ute’s Girl said she use to tan allot and wanted a little tan before she goes off to Hawaii next Tuesday. So with this info just given to the rep, she proceeded to tell us about their packages. “Free 2 weeks”, “unlimited”, “$10 dollars off”. What I heard after all the AWESOME bonuses was”$20 one time signup fee”, “Prorated”, “cheap @ 29.95 a month”, “Can cancel anytime”.
So that’s all great if you are a regular tanner and wanting skin cancer at a super young age. For me I just wanted to relax. Oddly enough, lying in a tanning bed does that for me. So I said no to the lowest package and then they said they could create a personal package that was for 6 tans in 6 months. Now that’s sounds great, however I had told them 3 times already that I’m a sporadic tanner. The last time I had been tanning was over 2 years ago and that was only 2 maybe 3 times. So it seems like a waste of money, plus that would cost a $20 setup fee.
For Ute’s Girl the lowest package worked for what she wanted and luckily enough she got to use the Bentley bed for 20 minutes. I unfortunately got the Ford Fiesta model and 7 minutes of anxiety.
While I sat in the waiting room; they still tried to sale me on their damn packages. No means no ladies. Really people, can’t a pale girl sit alone with her headache in the corner? With an “I’ll think about it, but not really” remark, I FINALLY got some peace.
Moments later Ute’s Girl came out looking relaxed, refreshed and TAN. G-D damn it, that should’ve been me too.
With our Coach bags in hand we headed out the door and went right to Sweet Tooth Fairy. Now an amazing thing happened when we walked in……I was happy again! My headache was gone, Ute’s Girl didn’t look sooooo tan (actually, I was fooling myself on this one) and the smell is how I imagine heaven.
We got cakeshakes and ½ a dozen of cupcakes to take to our families. I had a great time just hanging out and talking about anything and everything.
Thanks for a fun 2nd date Ute’s Girl!! I think on the 3rd someone has to put out or at least show some boob. 
For yummy sweets & cavities, check out:
http://www.thesweettoothfairy.com/
If you are looking for a tan PACKAGE:
Knocking on heavens door
Key Lime, Irish Cream, Raspberry Lemonade, Grasshopper, Carrot, Chai, Red Velvet, German, Coconut
So today in the breakroom I was making my hot cocoa and Itty was toasting a bagel. So after my cocoa was done I walked over to him and leaned against the bar counter and we just had our normal pre-7am conversation.
We talked and talked, watched some cartoons and then it was silent with us just staring at each other. I finally broke the silence and said “What the hell is taking your bagel so damn long?”
His reply “I decided not to eat it and threw it away. I didn’t know what you were doing and thought you just wanted to hangout?”
And that is how I spent 13 minutes of my life today.
Today my friend V-WoW (has NOTHING to do with Jersey Shore) and I were talking about her brother who happens to be one of my good friends. His nickname is DIRTY.
We talked shit (and some truths) about him on Facebook all morning because we wanted to see what he would say. So we kept commenting and commenting AND commenting. We got NOTHING from him.
Well what do I do now, you ask? I’ll post the conversation on the blog. Love ya DIRTY!!
So I’m curious, has DIRTY always had that “unique” body odor?
V-WoW The one that never goes away? Yes. 
Mary Oh man! That sucks. I wanted to say something to him but didn’t know how to bring it up.
It was so bad when we went camping. Did you have to share a room with him growing up?
Mary To me it smells like vomit, semen, a cowpie, tears of sorrow and I think…think I get a hint of twizzlers.
V-WoW My dad called him “Pork Butt” for a reason.
Mary I call him “flapjack butt”, cause that boy has no ass.
V-WoW Although I try to avert my eyes away from his ass, I can see where the “flapjack butt” comes from.
Luckily for him, it’s not “waffle butt”. Can you imagine having pockets of skin like that on your ass?
Then again, like I said, I avoid looking at his butt. It could happen.
(another sister comments) This conversation is horrifyingly amusing.
Mary Yeah, I’ve seen his ass a few times…please hold….. Ok, sorry I had to cut myself again just thinking about it. Anyways, I can see how it could go waffle -like, but I think when he gets older it will be like two pieces of kraft single slices.
Did he ever tell you he tried to be in a porno production? I think it was on the midg porn gag reel.
V-WoW I think I did hear that. Did it have some midgets and a goat or something? Even I was shocked to hear about that.
Mary Yep that’s the one!! I’m not going to lie, I tried to watch it but, once he started giving the goat a sensual massage with yogurt and singing “nothing compares to you” i had to turn it off. Although, up to that point it was funny shit!
He had a thumb war using his….well you know. He lost though. It’s just to short and deformed.
V-WoW Did you hear how he lost it?
Two words: Cheese grater.
Mary Oh yeah….. That was during his “experimental phase”.
I just remember when he had that job for Meal on Wheels, but was fired cause he tried to get to friendly with the elderly ladies and their cats. *shivers*
He should really try to get some therapy.
V-WoW Yeah, I remember that period of time. He was so poor, he didn’t have enough money for condoms. So, he just used the elderly lady’s cat’s fur. I imagine that would have been a pain to clean up.
Mary Ugh those poor cats!! But even we he got a job he still was cheap when it came to condoms. This one time at Area 51 he hooked up with this girl who we called “Gonorrhea Gina” cause she had herpes.
Anyways, she told us later that he used balloons as protection AND afterwards made her a balloon animal.
V-WoW With the same balloon? That doesn’t surprise me. He used to sell those when he worked in the Tijuana Goat Show.
Mary The. Same. Balloon.
Oh TJ! The stories he told me about that place and the things he did. Have you seen the tramp stamp tattoo he got of tweety bird? He says tweety is sexy.
V-WoW You know those really really obese women you see at Walmart? They usually ride around on those motorized scooters?
One of the reasons he got that tattoo is because he saw them wearing oversized Tweety Bird shirts and thought it was their mating symbol. He has a Taz one as well. ·
Mary That’s just gross!!!!
Where’s his taz tattoo?
V-WoW I heard it’s on the tip of what’s left of his uhmm…yeah. Apparently, it’s hard to tell though because of the massive amount of warts. I heard this from one of his Walmart shopper buddies.
Mary The taz placement is surprising. The warts not surprising.
Oh is it his Wally buddy Merv the perv? That guy is nasty!!!! DIRTY had him over for dinner one time at his house and he went into the bathroom and came out fully naked and started singing “I’m a little tea pot” and then started playing with his “spout” in front of everyone. Do you think DIRTY did anything?? NO he didn’t!! He just passed me the mash potatoes.
V-WoW I heard he recycled what Merv did. Don’t ask me how.
Mary once after all us employees were off work @ Lagoon, a bunch of us were just walking around and we caught him making out with a carousel horse.
V-WoW How far did he get? Grand Slam Home run?
Mary Hard to say, but he was removing his uniform when we spotted him
Mary hmmm still no comment from him. I’ve got an idea!
Today I had my first muff experience!! It wasn’t something I woke up thinking about it just happened. As I’m guessing that’s the way these things go.
I didn’t have to have the muff. Sure there was other choices….but why not try something new, right?
I thought about it all morning. I mean was I ready to do this? What if I didn’t like it, what then? Finally the time had come. I looked at the colored picture of the muff and decided it was now or never. I was so excited…..that I had to tell everyone!
Before I knew it I had a box in front of my face. Before I opened it I noticed the strange smell coming from within Well I was hoping this was normal but I didn’t know! So it was go time, I finally opened it and to my surprise it was bigger then I was expecting and looked delicious.
I dove right in. It was salty and left my hands a little slippery but I was totally into it. However due to the size of this muff I couldn’t finish it all in one sitting, so I closed the box up and decided to take it home and share with the hubs.
The end!
PS- I’m talking about Jason’s Deli Muffaletta. :p
Ok, I get it were slackers. However Sunny is more of a slacker then I. She gives me crap for posting too much stuff. Well its easier for me cause I have a cooler phone then her. (Right Itty?)
So here’s how our conversation goes:
Sunny- Damn Mary do you think you posted enough?
Mary- whhhhhhhat?! I did it all from my phone, thru out the day.
Sunny- Dammmn Gina!!
Mary- CALM DOWN Boobs McGee
Sunny- Shutup or I’ll cut you.
Mary- Promises, promises
Sunny- No, seriously I AM going to cut you
Mary- Blah, blah, blah
Sunny- Shut up Jew
Mary- Racist bitch! (then I’ll punch her in the boob.)
ok, so I forgot what I was talking about. Blame the wine or the hubs watching Revenge of the Nerds in the background.
“”Those nerds are a threat to our way of life. “
Hippies one and two invited us down to their place in Mesquite, NV. Well it was either paint and work on the house or risk the chance of liver and skin cancer.
Decisions, decisions………..
Well with our bags packed, the hubs and I headed down after work on Friday. The drive down was relaxing and such pretty scenery. The hubs man likes to drive and I like to sleep, so it works out perfectly!!
The weekend was a BLAST!! We gambled a little and girl hippie being the major winner. We ate, we swam, we drank and we ate some more. The hubs and I played bingo “or BIGNO, please view our http://travelingtapeworm.blogspot.com/ for an explanation” for the first time. Can you say addicted!! Its cheap and the hours bye. AGAIN girl hippie won….but I was one away, I tell ya, one away!!!
If you ever find yourself in Mesquite theres a few things you need to do:
-Go to the Eureka Casino and play the Peguins slot machine. (SUPER LUCKY…wellll if your a girl hippie!)
-Play BINGO!!! Its fun, its easy and you can get different color stampers!!
-AND get the BLT at the cafe! So YUMMMMMMMY!!
But the most important thing to remember is stop at Lee’s Liquor and Tavern. Its an acholics dream….not that I am one, so don’t you judge me….but if I were, I would want to be buried here. Besides having every beverage under the sun, they are CHEAP!! A drinking Jews paradise!!!! (I also attached a picture of my puchases and drinking a bottle of wine as I type)
The only downside to Nevada is COCKROACHES (but none in the house)!!! They scare the sh!t out of me. I don’t even want to talk about them, so moving on people, moving on.
Monday morning came to fast, also that was the help with the garbage truck coming by at 6:10am. Anyways, hubs and I packed up and headed home, while the hippies headed to the pool. So now is the time to bare all…..
We got brunch in St George at Honey Baked Ham. It was delish as always! However on a side note…..I did not appreciate the cute pig pictures in the bathroom. I don’t want to know how adorable my food was at one time. Luckily I had the turkey sammich.
On the road again and shortly after I started to feel sick (although I was sick late Sunday night) and so begins the journey of my bathroom trips from St George to Nephi. *SIGH*
If you know me, then you know I have a public bathroom fear/issue. Well lets just saying when you need to go or/and vomit you go. 
I think I’ve visited every Flying J on the way home and I must say, surprisingly enough they are actually nice. The only disgusting bathroom was at the Fillmore Chevron Bathroom. Alright, enough about food babies and vomit.
So besides the above issues we did see allot of funny/odd stuff:
-There was a guy announcing he was single on his car. (I’ll attach a pic)
-We saw a guy getting road head. The hubs says “lucky!”
-We saw a doe, a deer, a female deer…..eating with some cows.
-I LOVE BEAVER hoodies.
-An adorable Tea Cup poodle and I WANT ONE!
I enjoyed the trip and just want to say THANK YOU again to boy and girl hippie for inviting us. As much fun as vacations are, even mini-vacas…its always good to be home. I missed my babies!!
Single and Ready to Mingle. (He looked like Sock from Reaper)
BOOOOOOOZE!!!! Minus 2 big bottles
Oh Em Gee!!! Its hot, hot, HOT in our house.
So apparantly the central air stopped working today and as of right now….8:48 pm mtn….its 96 degrees. This is with all windows and doors opened and fans going.
What makes it worse is the hubs is sick and I can’t tell if he still has a fever or its cause the heat way in our home is causing it.
I was going to get us a hotel room, with a spa and a pool but more importantly…. room service…..but the hubs just wants to stay in bed. I totally get it. When I’m sick, all I want is my bed.
ooooook its to hot to type….must take a cold shower now.
ps- central air man is coming tomorrow!! THANK GOD!
WOOHOOOOOO!!! Another morning we got to sleep in.
Woke up, went grocery shopping and came home and started getting ready for the Fathers Day BBQ.
While I was washing the dishes I couldn’t help but notice the new dish soap I have smells like Appletinis. Now you may be thinking, wow Mary talks about booze alot. She may have a problem, well people I don’t. A person with a drinking problem would have stopped doing dishes and made an Appletini right then and there. Well……I finished the dishes and then made some Appletinis. Do you see the difference?
Silverfox, Old Man and Amazon showed up and the BBQ began. I made garlic herb BBQ chicken, pasta salad, asparagus, garlic butter rolls and fruit shortcake. The food was so good and everyone enjoyed everything. We have no leftovers, which is always a good sign.
Conversation was wonderful and we shared many laughs. Our cats loved the Old Man and out blind cat knows how to boss Amazon around. Its rather cute.
So started washing the dishes again, had another Appletini and then hubs and I watched True Blood. I LOVE THAT SHOW!!
Also I was going to write a story about a fence, but I’m still a little disturbed so I rather not talk about it.
Hey! Wheres the holes?
Saturday, Saturday…. what a great day.
FINALLY we got a chance to sleep in and it was much needed!!!
We got a 2nd coat of paint on our dining room and finally its done! Now to start on the stairway and finish up the kitchen. The new home is slowly, but surely coming along.
Later that night we went to the hippies house for a BBQ. It was soooo much fun and to all our surprise the hubs ate a Gardenburger!! (quick background on my hubs, he hates veggies!)
I introduced my newest drink and girl hippie and I named it Pinkie B. It was delish and it creeps up on you. 
What a fun night spent with some good friends. Boy hippie made us a fire and we made smores using Nutella and they were YUMMY!!
Princess, Itty, Hippies, Hubs and Sunnyshine I absolutely adore all of you!!
